When Your Kid Is Hard to Like [Video]

By Understood

Parents rarely admit it, but sometimes our kids are hard to like. As much as we love our children, they don’t always act in ways that match our expectations. In this episode, hosts Amanda Morin and Bob Cunningham talk about how having trouble connecting with your child is a perfectly normal part of parenting.

To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood. https://www.understood.org/podcast/in…

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at init@understood.org.

Understood is a nonprofit and social impact organization dedicated to shaping a world where the 1 in 5 people who learn and think differently can thrive. Learn more about “In It” and all our podcasts at u.org/podcasts. Copyright © 2020 Understood for All, Inc. All rights reserved.

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:00
[Music]
0:04
hi i’m amanda morin a writer and
0:06
in-house expert for understood.org and a
0:08
parent to kids who learn differently and
0:10
i’m bob cunningham i’m a career educator
0:13
and a parent and i’m the executive
0:14
director for learning development at
0:16
understood
0:17
and we are in it
0:19
and it’s a podcast from understood on
0:21
this show we talk to parents caregivers
0:24
and sometimes kids we offer support and
0:26
advice for families whose kids are
0:27
struggling with reading math focus and
0:29
other learning and thinking differences
0:32
today we’re talking about connecting
0:33
with our kids which is not as easy as it
0:35
sounds
0:36
and about how sometimes being the parent
0:38
our kid needs us to be
0:40
means letting go of everything we
0:42
thought we knew about being a good
0:44
parent
0:49
um i’m wondering if you can tell us a
0:51
little bit about your daughter and what
0:52
she’s like
0:54
well
0:55
she’s 11 years old she is
1:00
very very creative very opinionated
1:04
and
1:05
she’s
1:07
a wonderful person in many many ways and
1:09
she’s been it also incredibly difficult
1:12
to parent in minimum many ways
1:14
that’s laura she lives in the pacific
1:16
northwest and she’s mom to two kids a 13
1:19
year old son who she says she’s always
1:21
kind of instinctively understood and
1:23
also an 11 year old daughter who she’s
1:25
really had to struggle to understand and
1:27
connect with lara’s daughter has adhd
1:30
and autism and something about laura’s
1:32
own wiring her personality and ideas
1:34
about parenting have often made her feel
1:36
like a failure when it came to raising
1:38
her daughter she’s also felt angry and
1:41
frustrated and guilty and these feelings
1:43
are so common but they’re hard to talk
1:45
about that’s what we want to explore
1:47
today and we’re so grateful that laura
1:49
was willing to speak so candidly and
1:51
really so thoughtfully about her
1:53
experiences
1:55
[Music]
2:01
so let’s start from the beginning
2:03
lara says her relationship with her
2:05
daughter hasn’t always been challenging
2:06
it got off to a pretty smooth start she
2:09
was mostly a very
2:11
i would even say an easy baby
2:13
she was very well attached she liked to
2:16
be held more than anything
2:18
she was a little hard to leave with
2:20
other people
2:21
and the other the only other difficulty
2:23
we really had was that she didn’t want
2:25
to sleep
2:26
oh my gosh um but then as she became a
2:29
toddler
2:31
she was a very very active toddler and
2:33
she was fearless as a toddler
2:36
and
2:37
so
2:38
things sort of started to spiral pretty
2:40
quickly what did that spiral look like
2:43
um just feeling
2:46
like things are out of control
2:48
i mean literally i remember
2:50
in a parking lot once when she was about
2:53
two
2:54
i was getting her her older brother out
2:56
of his car seat and she just ran off
2:59
into traffic and um a car almost hit her
3:03
and i sort of just barely grabbed her in
3:05
time laura says she read every book she
3:08
could find on behavior and discipline to
3:10
find out how to manage what looked to
3:11
her like naughty behavior she tried
3:14
time-outs she tried positive
3:16
reinforcement she also admits she did a
3:18
fair amount of yelling back then out of
3:20
frustration and exhaustion
3:22
because none of the advice out there
3:24
seemed to be working for her kid
3:27
well my daughter responds with a lot of
3:29
anger
3:30
and always have
3:32
that makes it harder to
3:35
respond in a positive manner
3:38
you know if if a child is crying it’s
3:41
easy to hug the child
3:43
but if a child is furious at you or even
3:46
attacking you
3:48
then it’s quite difficult to maintain
3:51
that
3:52
sympathy and empathy for where they are
3:55
lara worried about the impact this
3:57
volatile relationship was having on her
3:59
whole family
4:00
but she also worried about how other
4:02
people might see it especially given
4:04
that
4:05
she was so young and i was a pretty new
4:08
parent
4:09
i think i felt the most
4:12
stigma from other parents at that point
4:14
and even not necessarily what other
4:16
parents actually said to me it was just
4:19
my perception of what other people must
4:22
be thinking when they saw me in public
4:24
with my kids i just felt like
4:27
i didn’t know what i was doing and it
4:29
was going to be totally obvious to
4:31
everybody else that i didn’t know what i
4:32
was doing
4:34
[Music]
4:44
laura knew her parenting approach wasn’t
4:46
working so she started looking to new
4:48
sources for advice and support for one
4:50
thing her whole family started therapy
4:52
and that led to some really big changes
4:54
starting with how she and her husband
4:56
interpret their daughter’s behavior you
4:58
know especially when we were first
5:00
starting out parenting her
5:02
uh you couldn’t help but sort of devolve
5:05
to the the most negative outlook
5:07
possible
5:08
you know some words that
5:10
might have come up would have been
5:12
headstrong or stubborn or
5:14
um even oppositional
5:17
and
5:18
in time
5:20
and with greater education
5:22
we came to realize that
5:25
a lot of what we were perceiving as
5:28
being oppositional behavior
5:30
was really us not understanding what she
5:34
needed and where she was right then
5:36
before you got to this place were there
5:39
messages in society that really made it
5:42
hard for you to get to this place
5:45
oh very much so
5:47
yeah
5:48
the whole idea of parental authority and
5:53
what’s the limit of
5:55
it being a beneficial thing
5:58
i i’ve had children that really really
6:01
pushed my traditional beliefs on that
6:04
whole concept so you had to relinquish
6:08
some of that parental authority to make
6:10
this work
6:11
what have you done to let go of some of
6:13
that parental authority what does that
6:15
look like in your house
6:18
well
6:19
one thing it looks like is um
6:23
allowing my daughter to
6:25
have a lot more
6:28
individual control over things like when
6:31
she’s going to shower base
6:34
and how often
6:36
even when she’s going to wear her
6:38
glasses which
6:40
that was a big point of conflict for
6:43
years because she’s supposed to wear
6:45
glasses but she
6:47
her perception is that she doesn’t
6:48
necessarily need them all the time
6:51
and um
6:53
about a year ago
6:56
i just sort of threw in the towel and
6:58
said you know what you are old enough
7:00
to understand why you’re supposed to be
7:03
wearing your glasses and what’s at stake
7:04
if you don’t wear your glasses and
7:07
it’s not my problem anymore
7:10
and so she’s she went for months without
7:13
wearing them at all
7:14
and then started to realize that she
7:17
needed glasses if she was going to be
7:20
you know she if she wasn’t going to be
7:21
right up next to what the teacher was
7:23
doing she kind of needed to be able to
7:24
see better
7:26
and so she would start to wear them at
7:28
school and she is actually pretty
7:31
consistent about doing it
7:33
i’m not sure how clean she’s keeping
7:34
them but like i said at this point i
7:36
don’t consider that my problem
7:40
i think people underestimate you know
7:42
when you’re raising kids who are
7:44
not neurotypical i think people
7:46
underestimate how much work goes into
7:49
like having just a daily relationship
7:51
with them yes
7:53
yeah
7:54
the mental and emotional energy that
7:56
goes into it you know it can be
7:59
exhausting and
8:01
and you end up so
8:03
physically tired and you’re like but
8:05
what have i been doing i’ve just been
8:07
trying to make things work you know
8:10
bob that part of my conversation with
8:12
laura was so refreshing because i think
8:14
it’s just
8:15
so
8:16
common for parents to feel like i am
8:18
just holding on i’m just trying to make
8:20
it through today
8:22
yeah i agree i think that’s part of
8:24
parenting doesn’t matter who you are who
8:26
your kids are
8:28
i feel like that happens to all of us
8:30
and if especially if this is your first
8:32
child
8:34
i think you might not know that
8:36
but it’s important it’s really important
8:37
for us to remind ourselves and each
8:39
other of that
8:41
i will remind you if you remind me yes
8:44
laura and i talked about something else
8:45
she struggled with something so taboo
8:48
but that we know is not unique to her
8:51
have you ever had that moment where you
8:52
actually think i really am not sure i
8:54
like this child
8:58
i have had that feeling
9:00
um
9:02
and
9:03
i i at this point i i think of it as a
9:06
feeling i’ve had in the past more than
9:08
that i actively
9:10
feel recently
9:12
but i
9:14
i certainly have gone through difficult
9:16
periods as a parent when
9:19
you know you just keep on going because
9:22
you don’t have much choice in the matter
9:25
i really think that
9:28
it’s kind of it’s a cliche to say well
9:30
you don’t pick your family but really
9:34
you don’t and i think when we become
9:37
parents we have an idea that
9:40
whatever issues we had with our own
9:42
birth families that you know we’re going
9:44
to do it better we’re going to it’s not
9:46
going to be like that for us
9:49
we’re starting over fresh
9:52
but then the reality is that you
9:54
get the family you get
9:56
and you can do your very best and still
9:59
have big problems
10:02
i’m personally not a religious person
10:05
but
10:06
i feel like i’m a moral person and
10:10
it’s like that being a parent has
10:13
really highlighted the morality of
10:16
family life to me and how
10:19
to me it’s it’s a moral question of
10:22
trying to do your best
10:25
and
10:26
making
10:27
the best out of the situation that you
10:29
have and i guess by best i mean trying
10:32
to be as connected and
10:34
do the right thing with each other
10:37
as much as you can
10:39
that is how i show my love for my the
10:42
people in my life
10:44
it doesn’t really come down to like or
10:47
dislike in the end
10:51
[Music]
11:05
laura has really put some thought into
11:08
this and knows what it looks like to not
11:09
connect with her child but struggling to
11:11
connect with your kid can take so many
11:13
different forms
11:14
aaron kuvvaya has written about this
11:16
kind of struggle in a new book called
11:18
raising boys to be good men
11:20
aaron is a die-hard sports fan and he
11:22
thought his sons would be too
11:24
we talked about how his sons have
11:26
changed his idea of what it means to
11:28
connect with his kids
11:30
you know before i had kids i i thought
11:32
all the time about how i’d you know not
11:34
only pass down that fandom but also you
11:37
know instill a love of sports in them
11:39
because i played three sports a year i
11:41
played you know basketball baseball
11:44
soccer you name it you know i wanted to
11:46
play it so you know i have three boys
11:49
now and
11:51
you know i
11:52
obviously push for them to be
11:54
involved in sports with my oldest who’s
11:56
almost 12 now and it um you know quite
11:59
frankly it just it never it never
12:01
materialized
12:03
like i thought it would
12:04
and i had a really hard time with that
12:07
at first you know one of the one of the
12:10
times where i i really knew that i had
12:12
to adjust my thinking
12:14
was when he was offered through school
12:16
some you know a variety of activities to
12:19
choose from
12:20
and you know among those activities were
12:22
the traditional sports like football and
12:24
things like that
12:25
but also uh rainbow loom back when that
12:28
was a thing you know the kids making the
12:30
the multi-colored bracelets
12:32
and
12:33
you know he came to me and said dad you
12:35
know i’m gonna play football and i said
12:36
you’re going to play football in what
12:39
universe do you play football i said
12:41
look at all this other stuff
12:42
and he said well you know i just he’s
12:44
like i want you to be happy i know
12:46
football is important to you and you
12:48
know i really felt bad at that point i
12:50
did and i i said buddy you know i’m
12:52
sorry if i put pressure on you to do
12:54
that i said you know you love rainbow
12:56
loom you love making these bracelets you
12:57
should do that if you’re happy and you
12:59
know he ended up doing that and
13:02
it’s just it was a reminder that you
13:04
know
13:05
you get the kids you get and you need to
13:06
celebrate them and be happy with them
13:08
even if they don’t share what you like
13:10
and my kids have certainly
13:12
taught me that
13:14
[Music]
13:22
so in terms of connection in terms of
13:24
your relationship with your daughter
13:26
what would a breakthrough in connection
13:27
look like
13:30
[Music]
13:32
so i i’m not sure if a big
13:36
moment is
13:38
the way that our relationship has worked
13:41
it’s more like
13:43
it was investment investment investment
13:46
and then suddenly just recently
13:49
we’ve been able to have better talks
13:51
than we ever did before
13:53
and talks about
13:56
how she sees the world how she sees
13:58
herself
14:00
how she sees other people
14:02
and it’s just it’s just little things
14:04
it’s not like we’ve had one big talk or
14:06
anything
14:08
but i do feel like we’re getting to a
14:10
place where we could have that
14:12
mother-daughter heart-to-heart that
14:15
for a long time i never thought that we
14:17
would get to to be close to that
14:20
so that’s it feels really good to be at
14:22
least glimpsing that
14:25
looking back laura has some regrets
14:26
about how she parented in those early
14:28
years even though i i knew i needed to
14:32
emphasize connection with her
14:34
i think i made a lot of mistakes you
14:36
know if i had it to do over again
14:38
knowing what i know now i would have
14:40
parented very differently at that time
14:42
but i just didn’t have the experience to
14:45
know
14:46
what i needed to be doing
14:48
you know i totally hear the regret there
14:51
but i also hear some self-compassion and
14:53
self-reflection and that’s so important
14:56
because the truth is as parents we can’t
14:58
know what we don’t know and all we can
15:00
do is try our best even when we think
15:02
our best isn’t good enough
15:04
and that’s such a good reminder that
15:05
parenting is a long game yeah and kids
15:08
don’t actually remember what we think
15:10
they’re going to
15:11
as adults as parents like we hang on to
15:15
the time when it didn’t go well or when
15:17
i did this and i should have done that
15:19
or oh my gosh did i just emotionally
15:22
scar my child for life and that sort of
15:24
stuff and years later like we still
15:26
remember that
15:27
the good news is that kids really don’t
15:30
they might remember this or that but
15:32
it’s it’s never those things that we
15:34
were so concerned that was actually
15:36
gonna
15:37
have a bad impact on them so what they
15:40
really end up hating you for is when you
15:43
told them they had to get their hair cut
15:45
the day before class pictures
15:47
instead of when you screamed at them in
15:49
front of their friends yeah my daughter
15:52
she’s not the most organized person in
15:54
the world and i can distinctly remember
15:58
getting to a hotel and
16:00
freaking out on her because
16:03
the thing that she needed she just
16:05
didn’t remember to bring and when i look
16:08
back on that trip like that’s what i
16:10
remember the most the feeling of gosh i
16:13
never should have exploded that way and
16:16
when she remembers that trip she
16:18
remembers me making her leave the pool
16:21
10 minutes before she was ready
16:23
that’s a relief to know
16:25
hopefully my children will follow your
16:26
children’s example
16:32
you’ve been listening to in it a podcast
16:34
from understood our website is
16:35
understood.org where you can find all
16:37
sorts of free resources for people
16:39
raising kids who learn and think
16:40
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16:42
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16:45
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16:46
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16:50
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17:32
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and thanks for always being in it with
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[Music]
17:59
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

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The post When Your Kid Is Hard to Like [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.