176 Funny Phrases for All Occasions

Life is all about having a laugh, so when you find yourself in a tricky situation, having a giggle is a great way to relieve any tension. You might find yourself in an awkward moment, be struggling to keep a conversation going, or maybe you just want to the lighten mood. One of the best ways to do this is by using funny phrases that will have everyone in stitches. 

A funny phrase can range from funny one-liners to witty jokes and everything in between. These hilarious sayings can be used to defuse an anxious situation or just give everybody a good laugh if they are going through a tough time. It’s scientifically proven laughing is good for you, so dropping a few funny phrases or a funny expression into your next conversation will make those you are chatting to feel good.

Here are some of the funniest phrases that will make you and your family and friends crack up next time you gather for a good chin wag. 

176 Funny Phrases for All Occasions

1. Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

2. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

3. My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.

4. I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. Eight days ago.

5. Nine out of ten voices in my head say that I am crazy. The tenth is just humming. 

6. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

7. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.

8. A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth but also of tremendous inflation.

9. The secret ingredient is not love. It’s butter.

10. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

11. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

12. The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.

13. I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.

14. All my life I thought air was free. That was until I bought a bag of chips.

15. Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.

16. I don’t drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

17. A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure. 

18. I’m sorry, I have to go. You’re boring me to death and my survival instincts are kicking in.

19. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

20. I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

21. When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.

22. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

23. If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

24. Three cups of coffee a day keeps the doctor away.

25. I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your errors. 

26. Why be moody when you can shake your booty?

27. I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.

28. The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.

29. I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny sayings.

30. Whatever you’re doing, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood. 

31.  I never met a cookie I didn’t like.

32. Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

33. I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed. 

34. A good mood is like a balloon, one prick is all it takes to ruin it.

35. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.

36. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

37. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks I can get it down to five. 

38. I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine.

39. Know the difference between your opinion and a pizza? I asked for a pizza. 

40. I read married couples have sex about 74 times per year. It’s the end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!

41. Cancel my subscription – I don’t need your issues.

42. Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.

43. I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.

44. Heaven won’t take me and hell’s afraid I’ll take over.

45. Me cago en la leche! (Literal translation by Spanish speakers: I shit in the milk!)

46. I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.

47. A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

48. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

49. According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.

50. Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

51. I speak fluent irony with a solid sarcastic accent.

52. Social media is an advertisement for the superficial extroverted self.

53. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

54. Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.

55. If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?

56. After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.

57. I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.

58. A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good.

59. I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” – if it were a good morning, I’d still be sleeping and not talking to people.

60. My jeans say eat a salad, but my heart says eat pizza.

61. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. 

62. I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

63. My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

64. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

65. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

66. If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it.

67. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 

68. I do all my ironing in the dryer.

69. My brain has too many tabs open.

70. I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

71. He who wakes up early, yawns all day. 

72. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?

73. Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.

74. If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every six months about it.

75. An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist, and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.

76. Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them is acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

77. Dear math, grow up and solve your own problems.

78. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

79. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

80. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

81. Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come. 

82. How many times must I flush before you go away? 

83. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

84. Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.

85. I am an example to others. A bad example.

86. With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.

87. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

88. As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is a fruit to me.

89. I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

90. There was a time when I would have given myself to you, but now I’m not even willing to throw up in your direction.

91. Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.

92. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

93. Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.

94. I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew. 

95. Hard work pays off in the future. Lounging on the couch pays off right now.

96. Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children!

97. I tried to be normal once… worst two minutes of my entire life. 

98. Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.

99. Every woman should marry an archeologist. Because the older she gets, the more he’ll love her.

100. I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them.

101. The only scenario where you really need a landline today is when you’re trying to find your cell phone. 

102. I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

103. Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.

104. Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.

105. Common sense is like deodorant – the people who need it most never seem to use it.

106. Everyone talks about the early bird’s good luck, but what about the early worm’s bad luck? 

107. Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.

108. People are like refrigerators: it’s what’s inside that matters. 

109. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

110. Take my advice – I’m not using it.

111. “Move it or lose it” just means “move.” But what will you lose if you don’t move? A shoe? Your wallet? Your pride? No one really knows. 

112. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

113. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not really sure.

114. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 

115. Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

116. Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

117. A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.

118. Finally, spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.

119. I’m not always hungry; sometimes I’m sleepy, too.

120. The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

121. Girls want a lot from one guy. On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.

122. When everything in life comes your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

123. “Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backward.

124. Go bungee jumping. Your life started with a malfunctioning rubber, so it’s only right it should end that way, too.

125. He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.

126. My parents moved around a lot when I was growing up, but I always found them.

127. If you want to look thin and young, hang out with some fat old people.

128. The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.

129. Love must truly be blind because it can’t see me at all. 

130. Help a woman when she’s in trouble. She will remember you when she’s in trouble again.

131. The road to success is always under construction.

132. An apple a day keeps the doctor away… if you throw it hard enough.

133. I try to have an open mind, but my brain keeps falling out.

134. The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.

135. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

136. The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.

137. Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

138. They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?

139. I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved. 

140. As much as I would love to spend time with you every day, some days, I actually have stuff to do.

141. They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!

142. Some days you’re the bird. Some days you’re the statue.

143. Whoever said, “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.

144. There is no “we” in fries. 

145. Never judge a book by its movie.

146. Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then it’s suspicious.

147. What do boyfriends and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

148. I put the “pro” in procrastinate. 

149. Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.

150. How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the world for her. How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.

151. A sense of humor is being able to laugh at something that would actually make you mad if it happened to you.

152. Your bank account can always be overdrawn. It’ll never be overfilled.

153. If there was an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.

154. Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.

155. I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes.

156. No one notices how hard you work until you stop working.

157. A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand.

158. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

159. The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.

160. I’m so glad we have brown cows, otherwise, there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.

161. Friday, my second favorite F word.

162. I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.

163. They say the best things take time. That’s why I’m late.

164. People say “Go big or go home” like going home is a bad thing.

165. I’m very sorry to interrupt you, but you must have mistaken me for somebody who’s interested.

166. Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.

167. When all else fails, lower your standards. 

168. I’m never wrong. I’m just different levels of right.

169. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

170. I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.

171. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

172.  I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 

173. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

174. Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.

175. In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on. 

176. Of course I have a talent. I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than nine hours in one go.